On moving out, and hopefully up.

I signed a lease yesterday for my very own, one bedroom apartment in St. Paul.  I couldn't be happier about it.  It is a gorgeous space with a comfortable at-home kind of feel about it.  I'm very excited to have this opportunity to bask in the independence that will be my life (hopefully).  The hardest part about it all is moving out of my home/life that I have now.  Things are easy.  And that's the thing.  I don't want easy.  I don't want to be stuck in something because its the easiest option, or because change scares me.

When I evaluate my life (which I've been doing on the daily) I always think back to one specific time in my life.  I was 20 years old when my boyfriend at the time dumped me (like two days after my birthday, bastard!).  I was beyond heartbroken.  I didn't eat for weeks, I didn't shower for months, I listened to bad music on repeat in my bedroom of my parent's basement.  I was a wreck.  And then I realized that I needed to start making decisions for myself, and not because I was hoping that something would happen in my love life to make up for not getting what I truly wanted.

I am guilty of making decisions for LOVE all too often.  And don't get me wrong here, sometimes making a decision based on the hope of love is a really important step to take in your relationship.  But sometimes, it's just plain stupid.  And when I make those decisions, it tends to be of the stupid kind.  I chose to put myself in unhealthy situations, put up with shit, and test my heart to the breaking point, all to see if that person will return the favor.  And in my few experiences, they usually don't.  If they aren't looking out for you, and you aren't looking out for you, then damn it, who is? 

I for one am starting with my independence.  Who says you can't be in a great relationship without losing your sense of self?  We is nice, but come on, the I is powerful!  I accomplished this...I made it on my own...I am successful (and beautiful!).  I am convinced that while my past may be riddled with the decisions of love past, I can make healthier choices for myself, while still considering love.  And lets face it, you can't truly love another until you love yourself first!  So here's the moment of truth... I'm taking the leap of faith and just knowing that this is the best decision for me, makes it so much less scarier that staying "easy."

The blues, and why I'm happy about it

I've known few people who haven't, at some point in their lifetime, felt depressed.  I know that for me, feeling depressed has been a part of my life for close to 10 years now.  I was first introduced to SAD (seasonal affect disorder) by my school psychologist.  He told me that the symptoms of my depression were likely caused by the changing seasons and that some simple steps could help me combat these feelings.  He was right.  I started tanning to get vitamin D, doing more things I enjoyed, surrounding myself with friends and family when I knew depression was kicking in. 

I thought I had really kicked depression out of my life and into the history books forever.  I was happy.  I was doing things to help myself.  I recognized when I was feeling depressed and started making conscious choices to not allow myself to feel that way.  I could beat depression, you nasty little bug, you! 

Up until about a month ago I thought that depression was seriously something of my past.  But it isn't.  It will be a part of me forever.  And I have to learn to deal with in on a daily, consistent basis.  I have to make habit out of dealing with unfavorable thoughts and suicidal feelings.  Yes, I think about suicide.  And I'm not afraid to admit it!  The second I become ashamed of my feelings, I will become a prisoner to depression once again.  The best thing I can do for myself is be real, honest, open, and sincere about who I am and how I feel. 

I know that re-learning some of my coping strategies is not going to be easy.  I know that I will still have some difficult days, months, maybe even years.  But at the end of it all, I wouldn't have it any other way.  It has taught me to be self-aware, and self-responsible.  If I'm having a bad day, it is up to me to find a way out.  Yes, I could sit on the couch, eat cookies all night, watch all 6 1/2 seasons of SATC, and self loathe.  But I won't.  And I won't allow myself to become Kim-the girl with depression.  I am Kim.  Plain and simple.  My depression has helped me define myself in my own terms, but it will never define me solely.