On moving out, and hopefully up.

I signed a lease yesterday for my very own, one bedroom apartment in St. Paul.  I couldn't be happier about it.  It is a gorgeous space with a comfortable at-home kind of feel about it.  I'm very excited to have this opportunity to bask in the independence that will be my life (hopefully).  The hardest part about it all is moving out of my home/life that I have now.  Things are easy.  And that's the thing.  I don't want easy.  I don't want to be stuck in something because its the easiest option, or because change scares me.

When I evaluate my life (which I've been doing on the daily) I always think back to one specific time in my life.  I was 20 years old when my boyfriend at the time dumped me (like two days after my birthday, bastard!).  I was beyond heartbroken.  I didn't eat for weeks, I didn't shower for months, I listened to bad music on repeat in my bedroom of my parent's basement.  I was a wreck.  And then I realized that I needed to start making decisions for myself, and not because I was hoping that something would happen in my love life to make up for not getting what I truly wanted.

I am guilty of making decisions for LOVE all too often.  And don't get me wrong here, sometimes making a decision based on the hope of love is a really important step to take in your relationship.  But sometimes, it's just plain stupid.  And when I make those decisions, it tends to be of the stupid kind.  I chose to put myself in unhealthy situations, put up with shit, and test my heart to the breaking point, all to see if that person will return the favor.  And in my few experiences, they usually don't.  If they aren't looking out for you, and you aren't looking out for you, then damn it, who is? 

I for one am starting with my independence.  Who says you can't be in a great relationship without losing your sense of self?  We is nice, but come on, the I is powerful!  I accomplished this...I made it on my own...I am successful (and beautiful!).  I am convinced that while my past may be riddled with the decisions of love past, I can make healthier choices for myself, while still considering love.  And lets face it, you can't truly love another until you love yourself first!  So here's the moment of truth... I'm taking the leap of faith and just knowing that this is the best decision for me, makes it so much less scarier that staying "easy."