The itch I can't scratch...

Working more than one job is hard.  Even your days off aren't quite as relaxing because you are trying to fit so many things into that little time you have.  Also, I tend to get confused about where I'm at and have been known to answer the phone at one job by giving the name of my other job!

Actually, except for 3 short months, I have always had two jobs, since I was 17.  So working doesn't bother me and I will unwillingly confess that sometimes on my weekends off I get bored and think to myself, "I might as well be making money!"

I told my part-time employer that I would be finished by the end of the summer as I will be starting Grad School this fall and will continue to work full-time at my other job.  Now I want out as fast as humanely possible.  The thought of 10 more weekend shifts seems like a lifetime and I'm struggling to care.  I am sad to admit this.  I have always loved my second job.  It has been a great opportunity for me to grow and learn from hands-on experience working with families.

But now I feel more than ever that I want to enjoy my last summer before Grad School, spend as much time as possible with friends and family, and savor these last moments of youthful bliss.  Am I being selfish?  I feel like I do owe it to the program to stick it out until the end of summer, when I indicated I would be leaving.  I feel I owe it to my coworkers to stick around and not create the need to train a new staff member at a time of rapid change in our program. 

I'm itching to be outta here....and I can't quite scratch it yet.

What's worse?  My director offered me an out.  He called me up a few weeks ago and said, "Hey, I know you weren't planning on leaving until  the end of fall, but do you want to be done sooner?"  And I said NO!  I said no because I wanted the extra income through summer and at that time I was still in work-mode. 

Just writing it makes it so much more clear to me that I need to start THINKING before SAYING.  I've put it on my to-do list.

Facebook stalking and other slightly illegal activities...

The other day I was facebooking (yes, it is a verb in my vocabulary) and I realized that I know a lot more about people than I ought to.  If you are a breathing living animal and have a facebook account, I have probably seen it.  Okay, okay, I am exaggerating...but only a little!  Seriously, I know way more about some people from their facebook account than I have ever learned from them telling it to me.  I started to wonder...am I a stalker?

Let's be serious though, it's not my fault that people chose to post information on there that NO ONE has any business knowing about.  Why on earth do I (or anyone else for that matter) need to know whether you say pop or soda?  Why do I care that you just checked in at the bar?  Are we becoming our own worst enemies?  It used to be that people were so careful about the information they gave out and just who had access to it.  It seems now days, more and more people are willing to disclose their home address, their daily schedules, and intimate details of their personal lives.  I feel as though I am committing a crime just by knowing these things.

Which leads me to wonder, what else am I doing that on a larger scale would be considered illegal?  In today's world where information can be found at the touch of a mouse, it seems that the rules and regulations governing our society become thinner and harder to break than ever before.  I "stalk" people every day, yet a judge would never grant a harassment order against me.  Yet, real criminals do use facebook, along with countless other social media sites to track and follow individuals.  Are these people more likely to escape law and order because of my use?  I have just as much opportunity to find out where someone is as a criminal does- all because we CHOSE to share our information.

I'm not sure where the line should be drawn here...but one thing I do know is that I always want to be on the slightly more legal side of illegal activity.

Making a difference

The concept of 'making a difference' in the world has been on my mind a lot lately.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am preparing to start grad school this fall and all I can think about is: what's next?

At lunch today a coworker of mine was telling us about a woman who used to work here but now works in St. Paul and has developed and implemented some outstanding victim programs.  My coworker spoke so highly of this woman (who she guesstimated to only be 34 years old) and it made me long to be referenced in this way.  I want to do something great.  And I want people to talk about me with pride and respect.

It would be awesome to design a new program or implement changes into one of the many broken systems I work with on a daily basis.  But do I have the skills?  The knowledge?  The ability? 

In several ways I know that I absolutely do have everything it takes to be an amazing victim advocate, and eventually a social worker.  But I think it's only human to expect more of yourself.  The question is: Will I ever accept myself as great in my own eyes, or will I continue to expect more?

Letting it go

What happens when someone is mean to you?  Do you get angry, defensive, quiet or shy?  Maybe you don't even care. 
Well I care.  And I think I care mostly because I expect people to treat me like I treat others.  I am constantly trying to be fair, reasonable, empathetic, etc etc.  But then yesterday, right out of left field, someone blamed me for their shortcomings and I immediately started to nervously shake and sweat.  I felt attacked and unfairly made a scape-goat.  It was horrible!

The reason I am naming this blog 'letting it go' is because I am attempting to do just that...let it go.  I know that I can't always expect others to treat me the way I want to be treated...just as I am sure I have treated others unfairly and rudely.  But instead of dwelling on this issue I am LETTING IT GO.

An average size regret

I don't know about anyone else, but I regret a lot of things in my past.  I know, I know, I wouldn't be where I was today had those things not happened, blah blah blah.  But that really doesn't make me feel any better about all those stupid things I've done.

This past weekend I had a great conversation with S about past regrets.  We talked about how I have a hard time letting go of things and dwell on them until I feel worse than when the event actually happened and how he is able to forget those little things.  It seems like such a foreign concept: to let go of all those times I know I made a giant ass of myself.

I do know one thing though...I have learned a lot from all those times I wished I was invisible.  For instance, I will never ever attempt to be friends with someone I once dated.  Acquaintances, yes.  Friends, no.  It just doesn't work for me.  And while some people see this as an obvious way-of-life, I did not.

I also think that the word embarrassment should be thrown in here somewhere.  I certainly regret plenty of past experiences, but embarrassment is something I feel on a daily basis.  And not just for things that happen on that day.  I feel embarrassment and my face gets red for things that happened years ago.

I envy those who are able to move beyond the past and not dwell.  And I know that it will take a lot of practice and patience to someday not hold my feet to the fire every time I make a bad decision.  But I do have hope that I'll be there someday.  That someday just won't be today.

The first blog hump

Apparently it's a little bit difficult to start writing your first blog.  I know this because so far, I have started writing this blog three different times and have erased it all to start over.  So this is my final go at it.

Last night I met up with five of my girlfriends from high school for dinner in our hometown.  It was great to see them and catch up on everything new .  For the most part we all have jobs in our fields of interest or plans to attend Grad School this fall.  It made me feel so lucky that even though I haven't kept in close contact with all 14 'girl posse' members (self-titled, mind you), we can still meet up and enjoy each other's company. 

While we ate and shared stories of the places we'd been and the people we've met, I spotted several people that I recognized as fellow graduates of Rosemount, '05.  Some I made eye contact with and smiled to while others I prented not to see.  One girl in particular was working as a server at the bar, and the feeling I got after seeing her was that she had hurt me in the past.  I don't recall if she ever bullied me, or even picked on me specifically, but I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling I got after seeing her. 

The night went on and shortly before we finished our meal, the server I recognized came walking towards our table with her hands full of dirty dishes and platters after clearing a table.  Just as she reached our table, she lost her balance and everything started to fall.  Dishes hit the floor, pizza platters skidded across the carpet,  and the bar made a unanimous "ooohh" sound.  I froze.  I suddenly wasn't sure what to do.  Should I help her?  Should I keep pretending I don't know her and stare at her along with everyone else in the bar? 

I sat there, continued to eat and chatter away with my girlfriends.  I didn't bend down and help her pick up the platter that had fallen next to my chair.  And honestly, I feel like I owe her an apology.  I SHOULD have helped her.  I SHOULD have bent down, told her it was no big deal, and that everyone drops things- don't even sweat it!

I assume that since I didn't see her again that night she avoided our side of the bar like the plague.  I would have too.  But I still have this feeling of regret for not helping her out.  I can't imagine the embarassement I would feel having dropped dirty dishes in front of old classmates.

I hope the world is kind to her today.  I hope karma doesn't come back to bit me too hard in the ass...