The blues, and why I'm happy about it

I've known few people who haven't, at some point in their lifetime, felt depressed.  I know that for me, feeling depressed has been a part of my life for close to 10 years now.  I was first introduced to SAD (seasonal affect disorder) by my school psychologist.  He told me that the symptoms of my depression were likely caused by the changing seasons and that some simple steps could help me combat these feelings.  He was right.  I started tanning to get vitamin D, doing more things I enjoyed, surrounding myself with friends and family when I knew depression was kicking in. 

I thought I had really kicked depression out of my life and into the history books forever.  I was happy.  I was doing things to help myself.  I recognized when I was feeling depressed and started making conscious choices to not allow myself to feel that way.  I could beat depression, you nasty little bug, you! 

Up until about a month ago I thought that depression was seriously something of my past.  But it isn't.  It will be a part of me forever.  And I have to learn to deal with in on a daily, consistent basis.  I have to make habit out of dealing with unfavorable thoughts and suicidal feelings.  Yes, I think about suicide.  And I'm not afraid to admit it!  The second I become ashamed of my feelings, I will become a prisoner to depression once again.  The best thing I can do for myself is be real, honest, open, and sincere about who I am and how I feel. 

I know that re-learning some of my coping strategies is not going to be easy.  I know that I will still have some difficult days, months, maybe even years.  But at the end of it all, I wouldn't have it any other way.  It has taught me to be self-aware, and self-responsible.  If I'm having a bad day, it is up to me to find a way out.  Yes, I could sit on the couch, eat cookies all night, watch all 6 1/2 seasons of SATC, and self loathe.  But I won't.  And I won't allow myself to become Kim-the girl with depression.  I am Kim.  Plain and simple.  My depression has helped me define myself in my own terms, but it will never define me solely.